For the past few days I’ve been crying. A lot.
Last Friday, Newtown, crying. But who wasn’t? I went to the grocery store. I saw my favorite checker, Nancy. I thought I should take the opportunity to say goodbye to her. Because who knows if some crazed person will come into my neighborhood King Soopers and kill everyone. Also, I’m leaving for 5 months in 11 days and won’t see her for a while. So I go to say, Hey – Nancy, just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving for a while, and I wanted you to know I think you are a sweet person and I have enjoyed getting to know you and I’ll see you again I am sure, but have a Merry Christmas. But what came out was:
WAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAH WAAAAAH
Only it was much uglier and louder and snot filled than that.
She stood there, shocked, not knowing what to say or do. She gathered, through the storm of sobs, that I was moving and she asked, “Where are you moving?” and I said, “Hawaii,” and she said, “Why the hell are you crying?” Ha. That made me laugh, and I finally calmed down enough to get out of the store.
I am now a Safeway shopper.
And the tears have not stopped flowing. It hits me at random moments – waiting for a friend outside a restaurant, driving in the car, dropping off my boxtops at the school office – ya, that was fun. The poor office ladies did not know what to do with me. Except hug me. Which made me cry harder.
Then last night one of our YWAM leaders, Siri, called and when she asked me, “How are you doing?” the water works started and I cried the entire time we were on the phone. Ridiculous.
I’ve been praying and asking God what this is all about. And then Siri sent me an email this morning encouraging me to accept my tears as a gift.
I started thinking about how hard I work at being a tough girl, a leader, the girl that has it all together. How I strive to keep everything together, run the household, do ministry, organize events, have all the answers and serve others. For quite some time I’ve been asking God to make me into the person he wants me to be and I figured that would be SUPER MISSIONARY.
As usual, God has other plans. He is showing me how fragile I am. At my core, this is my true self: sensitive, insecure, emotional, afraid, needy. These are not attractive traits in our society. We are a culture of pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps and suck-it-up-buttercup people.
But God knows me. He sees through my tough exterior into my soft, vulnerable core. Perhaps the tears are His way of breaking down my outer shell. I don’t know. I’m still in the middle of it. But today I decided to stop fighting back the tears and just be…fragile.